Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It all started with a game of naked twister.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
