I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
