If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
