It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
