If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
