rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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