dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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