There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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