Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
