I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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