so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
