I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
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He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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