i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
