I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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