he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
