Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
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Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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