I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You ruined the universe
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
