and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
