Umm I'm too high to move.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
