I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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