I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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