My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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