We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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