I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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