my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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