What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
