Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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