there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
