my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just want to make out with him forever
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
