First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
