Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were trust falling into bushes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
