I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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