Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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