textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My balls are so social today.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
