he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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