I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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