Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
