dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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