I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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