why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
