don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So vagazzling was a success
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
