we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
