If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
