I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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