hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
