2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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