I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
