is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
