miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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