oh god the rape fog is back!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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