The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
