I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
