It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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