after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
