Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
