Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
They took my balls.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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