i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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