White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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