I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he just fucked me for my cheese.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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